Thursday, 21 February 2013

How to buy yourself OUT of a relationship.

You miss single life? You're a commitment-phobe? He/She is a loser? Fear not! Here are presents that are so bad your partner is sure to dump you! Contrarily, if you're in a happy relationship here are a list of presents (birthday, Christmas and or Valentines) that you'd be wise to steer away from:

This can be tricky; buy her over-sized underwear and she'll assume you think she's fat, buy her undersized underwear and she'll assume you're hinting that she needs to lose weight! Also, if the underwear is too big it won't be supporting and therefore is useless and the same with undersized underwear (especially thongs!) as they will cut into your partner uncomfortably... Hence, buying lingerie for your Mrs (or Mr) is a lose-lose situation.

Personalized Items
Yes, this includes those incredibly tacky personalized wine bottle labels! Unless you're spouse has dementia this gift is a definite no-no. Why? For the simple fact that, everyone already has tacky personalized items scattered around the house, which are way too embarrassing to ever actually use. I don't need everything from my mug to my pillow labelled with my own name- I know my name and I won't be forgetting it anytime soon!

A Rose
A single red rose for the 'love of your life'. How romantic? No. More like how incredibly unoriginal, over-done and dull! If you must get her (or him) a rose, go all out and get a giant bunch that screams 'yes I'm tacky and unoriginal but these were bloody expensive!!!' Less is most definitely not more when it comes to flowers.

A 'subtly' titled book hinting at their inadequacy.
Any book (unless clearly a joke) titled '*insert skill* for dummies' is sure to cause a stir.

Though funny at the time, give your partner any of these books and you're sure to be dumped within hours... Maybe even minutes.

A card or text telling them they're dumped.
enter image description hereOut of everyday in the year why this one?! It's plain rude and obnoxious. I have a friend who texted his girlfriend 'Do you want to see a magic trick? Puff, you're single!' Now, I'm a big fan of Harry Potter but this is taking dark magic to another level.

If you really want to dump them and it must be on their *insert special occasion here* then do it the nicer way: 'Forget' to wish them merry Christmas or happy birthday or 'forget' to get them a present. OR even better, 'forget' they even existed and don't bother texting or calling! I'm sure they'll get the message loud and clear.

*This image isn't mine*

Cute socks
Girls in particular tend to be repeating offenders. No, you are not his mother. Yes, he can buy his own socks. Aside from how boring socks are-because no matter how 'cute' a sock is it will only ever be a sock and will most probably be covered by his shoes and trousers- he most likely already has a collection of them from previous girlfriends in his drawer. This gift screams 'I don't like you enough to put some effort into my present'.


Every year for Christmas and birthdays I get a shedload of chocolates. It's not that I don't like them, it's just not something you get a partner especially because it's highly likely that your girlfriend will be on a diet and then screw at you for ruining it when she has to eat the chocolates you bought her. I do a fabulous job overeating already, on my own without your help.

Customized loo roll
There is absolutely nothing fancy or romantic about wiping shit off your ass.

A tattoo of your name on their body
This is a definite no-no if you've been going out for under a year; You look desperate and clingy. I would rule this out until marriage! Thinking about it, tattooing someones name on you is a bigger commitment than marriage because it is PERMANENT whilst with marriage you can get a divorce!

A 'ring for sex' bell.
It's just plain creepy and slightly demanding.

Love O

No comments:

Post a Comment